Arguments are necessary for the balance of the couple. Faith of psychologist. You still have to know how to reconcile! According to the authors of Languages of Reconciliation, Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas, the apology has five basic aspects.
They call them “apology languages”. Each of them is important, but some will “talk” more to the person you're talking to and make your mea culpa more real to them.
Express your regrets
“I'm sorry” is a magical expression. It shows the injured person that their sentence is taken into account. If the offender does not express regret, some may not feel that repentance is sufficient or sincere. Adding a restriction, a "but" to his excuses, discredits them. Whenever we put the blame on the other, we turn from excuses to attacking. Attacks never lead to forgiveness and reconciliation.
“It's not my fault that the bus braked and I stepped on the man's foot,” a child said to his mother, who asked him to apologize. Like him, some adults think they don't have to apologize if their wrong is justifiable. Often, our reluctance to admit our wrongs is linked to our own self-worth. Recognizing that one has gone astray is seen as a weakness. But the authors insist on the need to learn to recognize one's faults: an important step towards the condition of responsible and happy adults.
The need for reparation is ingrained in us: “If I have been mistreated someone has to pay,” a small voice seems to say. In the context of family or friendship, the expected reparation is an answer to the question "do you still love me?" ". Some people need concrete reassurance, even if they have heard the phrase “I'm sorry, I was wrong”. A gesture of affection, a service rendered, a bouquet of flowers, a written word or a one-on-one moment will secure them.
Do not start over
We find in the word "repent" the notion of turning around. It involves the desire not to make the same mistake again. “What I really appreciate is that my husband tells me that he will try not to do it again. I want more than words. I want changes, ”says Aurélie. Sometimes it's a trait of our personality that can hurt others. A habit, a way of behaving may have nothing reprehensible, it is not yet fair or adequate. It takes a lot of compromise, of changing your habits to build a harmonious relationship.
Ask for forgiveness
Some offended people are quite willing to forgive but wait for the person concerned to clearly ask them for forgiveness. Not always easy, especially for fear of being rejected. Yet, an offense creates a barrier between people and prevents the relationship from progressing. Apologizing will be a first attempt at reconciliation. And if the other is particularly sensitive to this fifth language, asking for their forgiveness will indicate that you really want the relationship restored.
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Article originally published on October 13, 2021