What promotes a fulfilling sexuality in a woman? And how to overcome the obstacles to it? Interview with sex therapist Catherine Solano.
What ingredients does a woman need to thrive in her sexuality?
First, to have friendship for herself. If it is too much here or too much, it will block it. It's not about being narcissistic but knowing that she can be loved as she is. A woman also needs a generous partner, who wants her to blossom. A beautiful relationship with respect, love, feeling valued, is important. This is what allows the woman to relax. Sexuality also requires time and patience. It does not matter if you are not fulfilled to the fullest at the start of your sex life. Two-person sexuality can be learned.
What can be an obstacle to female sexuality?
Not knowing that the clitoris is the center of female pleasure, because it is the roots of the clitoris that trigger the female orgasm and not the vagina. In addition, certain treatments such as those for depression interfere with sexuality. Also note, and even if many gynecologists deny it, twenty to forty percent of women have a loss of desire because of the contraceptive pill. A friend told me that I saved her sexuality by advising her to stop using contraception. Another subject: pornography is harmful to the couple because it alters the man's view of the woman, and he judges his partner much worse.
Among the obstacles, there is this famous fatigue of women who combine family management, profession. How to foil it?
When you are monopolized by work, by children, it is a question of organizing your sex life, of making it a priority. Because children are happier if their parents are well together. A couple who blocks one evening a week to take a bath together or go to bed earlier has an advantage. This will not prevent him from having relationships at other times if he wishes. Planning your intimate life allows you to have more elaborate sexual relations, to prepare the room with candles, suitable music, a perfume. Sexuality is like hunger: you can eat a sandwich, but you can also book a good restaurant in advance.
How to avoid tensions around the frequency of sexual intercourse?
In all couples, frequency is a question, because we rarely feel like it at the same time. What to do ? Talk about it and find a rhythm that works for both. If a woman is not too keen on sex, the couple can give each other pleasure through hugs without having full intercourse, which lasts about twenty minutes. Or get massages. But I'm not talking about forcing yourself! People with a constant desire for sex often experience an emotional deprivation. In this case, we have to find ways to fill it, such as little daily attentions, phone calls, taking a shower together ...
Communicating to her man what pleases sexually is not necessarily easy. How to do it ?
Being able to ask what we want and being attentive to what the other wants will allow both to be fulfilled. Above all, it is important to compliment your partner: on his beautiful hands, his smell or what we like when he gives us such a hug. We can also approach things with a question: What could we do better or otherwise?
The final word ? It takes fun and joy in sexuality.
Interview by Sandrine Roulette
This article is published in collaboration with spiritual, the magazine that brings together Christian women from the French-speaking world.
Discover the other articles in the file "And God created female desire":
File: And God Created Female Desire
Christian, she was addicted to pornography
Solos and sexuality: Between their desire to remain faithful to their biblical convictions and their simple desire
Dossier originally published in January 2022