Pornography is not just about men. Yaëlle Frei tells about her addiction, her release, and her plans for the future.
It is often thought that women cannot be addicted to pornography. What is it? The subject is often more taboo among women than among men, but a third of internet pornography users are women. It is also not uncommon for women to watch more violent content than men.
What are women drawn to in pornography?
It often starts with simple curiosity, because just like men, women have impulses. The excitement of pornographic images attracts them and gives them pleasure. The problem is that this pleasure often serves only as comfort or as a palliative in the consumer's challenges and weaknesses (stress, depression, fatigue, lack of self-confidence, abuse, etc.).
Is it possible to be free from a pornography addiction?
Of course, but first and foremost it is a choice. We must be ready to admit that we have a problem, decide to talk about it, use protection systems for our devices… and be ready to fight. We live in a hypersexualized society, advertisements, music videos, films, magazines, books… temptation is everywhere. We must be ready to fight, to develop new habits and behaviors.
You yourself have been addicted to pornography. How did you get out of this addiction?
It was when we decided to get into a relationship with Nico, my husband, that I clicked. I refused to bring pornography in our relationship, in our future family. I chose to fight in prayer and fight for our future. I told him about every relapse (it's much less tempting, believe me). In Jac. 5, 16 it is written:
“Therefore confess your sins to one another, and pray one for another, that you may be healed. "
I believe this verse corresponds well to what I experienced. I confessed my sin, we prayed and God gave us the victory.
Some sex therapists recommend that couples view pornography together. What do you think ?
Too many people these days have been educated by pornography and enter a relationship with biased benchmarks. What pornography shows us is reductive and unrealistic. A party of legs in the air where the woman is reduced to a doll who must come and enjoy on demand, dominated and often abused. The scenario, we do not even talk about it ...
An intimate relationship is more of a sensual moment of sharing, exchange, love. A moment when you dare to be completely yourself. The feelings and emotions of one and the other are paramount. And then, in each new report we learn ... So let's dare to laugh at those times when it was perhaps not great, dare to spice up our reports. But above all, let's choose to evolve together and be creative throughout the seasons of life.
Could we include erotic literature in the “porn” section? Does it present dangers?
The meaning of eroticism is the exaltation by literature of sensual love and sexuality. For me, Fifty Shades of Gray, for example, is not erotic literature; I would rather call it “fictionalized pornography”. As a former "porn addict", I have to be very vigilant about what I expose myself to. This kind of content is very addicting and in my eyes represents a slippery slope.
That being said, women are sentimental, they compare themselves to the characters in the stories. They want to feel in their own life and in their relationship what the heroes of the story are experiencing. To feel loved, to feel valued and valued… Until then, no problem.
Dreaming is good, and spice up the relationship too. But be careful not to devalue your own story, to put too high or illegitimate expectations on your spouse and to live in disappointment.
With your husband, you created the Innocence collective. What are your goals ?
We like the subject of sexuality because when it is experienced in its initial setting, it is a real gift. Through Innocence, we choose to lift the taboo on pornography, because its impact on lives is too often devastating. Through our testimonies, we want to give a message of hope. And see people freed from their addiction and live a fulfilling sexuality based on solid foundations.
Interview by Rachel Gamper
This article is published in collaboration with spiritual, the magazine that brings together Christian women from the French-speaking world.
Discover the other articles in the dossier " And God created female desire "
File: And God Created Female Desire
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Dossier originally published in January 2022